Something I am very open about: being a Mama is my dream come true. I have never had a doubt in my mind that I was meant to be a Mom. I would definitely like to have more babies. Several more. Not like Cheaper By The Dozen kind of more, but I would totally be up for three or four more tiny humans running around.
Something I am semi-open about: getting pregnant and having babies isn’t the easiest thing for Marcus and I. There are doctors, medications, lab work, specialists, procedures, stress, tears, and lots and lots of prayer involved when we attempt to make a tiny human.
Something I am not very open about: Sometimes the most amazing, complex, miraculous, beautiful things come after heartache and loss. Sometimes you will walk through a valley of dry bones that seems never-ending, cold, dead, and heartless. But, with faith, you will get your breath back. You will be restored and revived, and you will walk out of that valley. God has a plan. Sometimes, (most of the time), I don’t understand it, but He has a plan. There is a reason for every heartache. There is a reason for the misery and the anguish. Although my heart may feel like it is breaking into a thousand tiny pieces, although I have lost something precious, and I feel broken and unrevive-able, I am a child of God.
Ezekial 37 is out little family’s battle cry.
I have always had a difficult time distinguishing between God speaking to me, and me wanting to hear something so badly that I convince myself it is God speaking to me. You know what I mean? Like, do I just WANT to buy a new car? Or is God TELLING me to buy a new car? As I grow in my faith, I am getting better at recognizing God’s voice in my life.
I am not always the best at keeping hope alive in my heart or my brain. I am easily discouraged and often become disheartened at the seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my way. Sometimes I’m in need of a little pick-me-up. I just need a little something to give me back my hope and give me a sense of anticipation and excitement about what is to come.
I came into work last week and found this little post-it note on my keyboard. I stood there, frozen, hovering over my desk. I had this overwhelming feeling of hope, peace, faith, and happiness. I had no idea who had left it there. I asked around and no one else knew either. But, it doesn’t matter who drew it. It was a silly little doodle that someone had haphazardly left at my desk but all I could think was, this could be my little stick figure family someday. True, it may not be completely accurate and will probably look a little different. The boy to girl ratio might not be precise and Marcus and I’s body shape is a little rounder than what is pictured here. But, the point is, it gave me a sense of hope.
I am in no position to give advice on this particular subject. I know people who have tried for a lot longer and been through a lot more in their journey to make a family. I am just sharing my little story to let you know, there is hope. There is always hope. For me, it is God, my husband, my tiny human, my church….they all give me hope. They are all things that bring me out of the valley and give me back my smile. There will be a “rainbow” after the storm. And remember, sometimes, it can be the smallest silliest things that give you hope; it can even be as silly as a random stick figure family scribbled on a post-it note.